The Critical Poet

giggle for me like this night was made for us

Meadow Glen Farm — Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:52 pm

Author: Meadow Glen Farm

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:52 pm

Hi Octo,

I like this poem quite a lot. I certainly agree that it has an excellently strong close with fine images leading to those final lines.

Good work!

Brian

reconcile

Zoe — Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:52 pm

Author: Zoe

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:52 pm

Now then, my friend

Hows you?

Do you know, I love that this gives different meaning for everyone.

It started out with two meanings, as I wrote it, but it just keeps moving.

I very much like where it took you, Bri.

Thanks for sharing your thoughts with me.

Take care, you

Zoe

Titian dj wrote:

Hi Zoe,

Brevity is right up my street, as I've said before. This reads like a relationship poem to me. The 'half light' and the gloom of night meeting day suggests a positive outcome. The uncertainty of the 'half light' and 'mist' combined with your title really had me thinking. That's pretty cool when you consider you only used 12 words. OK, some people might want more but I think you've captured the moment effectively.

Enjoyed v. much

Bri

Zoe wrote:

.

� � � � � � � � � �
� � � � � � � � � � � in the mist of half light

� � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � � a poet

� � � � � � � � � � � � meets night and day

.

.

A song

Meadow Glen Farm — Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:47 pm

Author: Meadow Glen Farm

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:47 pm

Mike,

I love the emotional and musical power of this poem. It's excellent. I wholeheartedly agree with Zoe. The beginning would be even stronger as she suggests.

Thanks for a fine read!

Brian

Early March - revision

Meadow Glen Farm — Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:43 pm

Author: Meadow Glen Farm

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:43 pm

Hi Maria,

Thank you. That's the part that seemed to click in my mind when I compared the invisible air filled with song and an unseen grandfather "seen" in my imagination by virtue of shared experience. And, methinks, the connections grow stronger, a kind of faith in "seeing" the unseen...

Thanks again,

Brian

Dorothy Confesses to Toto (edit)

Zoe — Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:43 pm

Author: Zoe

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 7:43 pm

Ha, this is great, Weav

When I was a young, city woman, it was all about the shoes. Choo's were my thing. Now it's all about the Converse.

I like stuff to be straightforward, unpretentious, truthful and trustworthy - that's in all areas of my life, men, women and shoes. Long live the Converse.

Your poem resonates.

Very, very cool stuff.

Take care

Zoe

weaver wrote:

I don't care about him
or her or her or her - so far
nobody has had the guts
(cowardly lionesses)
to stick it through
address the real me
although unlike the tin
men they may have hearts
I am not quite sure
their straw brains are intact.
If I lit a match
there is no telling what
would go up.

I�m not about to click my heels
to get back home; �A-Z
it�s not all about the shoes.

Viet Nam 1967 by Goeszon

Rosa — Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:03 pm

Author: Rosa

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 6:03 pm

The enemy's artillery
found its mark,
a shallow cove
where the light keeper
rested from his duty.

The flash, smoke and shrapnel
in an instant
opened his chest
for all the stars to see.

He lay there dying
in the dark, I fumbled
to find any part of him.

With cold hands searching
to grasp his body,
to hold him together,
his warm blood,
to stop it's flow.

My hands were stiff,
fish smelling blood covered
my filthy uniform wet
drying to a cake red.

Still clutching his wounds
they pulled my hands away.

Games

Divina — Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:00 am

Author: Divina

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 9:00 am

Hello Rosa

Your poems are getting better and better. You are aptly able to set the scenes
in such a way as to invite the reader into your world of memories made of
images, sounds and emotions. In fact, I really like the attention you pay to details
and the flow of your words.

The opening line works quite well. I love the way you introduce the games you played.
The image and the sound of the spinning of the nickel draws me into the poem.

I stumbled on the last three lines of S1. Maybe you could trim this part a bit.
How about putting a comma after 'we girls' and then after 'jewelry'? You could also
lose 'it'. I think the flow would improve. I would also get rid of 'anyway'
and start a new sentence. I don't mind the image of the peacock feathers. I think
it beautifully captures the feelings and excitement of being young and restless.

In my opinion the title is too general. I'm sure you could come up with a better one.

Just some ideas for you.

My best

Maria

to Red

Divina — Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:35 am

Author: Divina

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 8:35 am

Octo

I especially like these lines ....

I caught you in words
once or twice
the letters all reassembled
into the little hill
we would lie on
when the sky moved through us

They sum up the reason(s) why we write: to catch something or someone in words.

What I like is the way you blend the process of writing with the images - the hill and the sky.
Your poem sings of loss and as I read I was able to deeply feel the emotions you express.
I suggest inverting lines 2 and 3 and changing the first one. So you would have something like ...

if you could see me
you wouldn't remember
the lines in my face

Thank you.

My best,

Maria

Dorothy Confesses to Toto (Weaver)

kdavies — Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:45 am

Author: kdavies

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 4:45 am

I second this one ~~ just passing through...nice poem

Early March (Meadow Glen Farm)

Meadow Glen Farm — Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:08 am

Author: Meadow Glen Farm

Posted: Tue Mar 16, 2010 12:08 am

Thank you, Maria.

Brian

blinks

Rosa — Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:46 pm

Author: Rosa

Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 11:46 pm

Okay. Thanks, Zoe.

A climber's wave

Ruth123 — Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:22 pm

Author: Ruth123

Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 9:22 pm

Chris, it's been a joy to watch this lovely poem go through its process. Entirely delightful and evocative - makes me wish for the experience so would definitely be properly placed in the mag.

Ruth

love

Zoe — Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:45 pm

Author: Zoe

Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:45 pm

Hi Hank and welcome to the board.

Thank you so much for calling in and sharing your thoughts with me, I appreciate it.

Very happy you enjoyed this, and found something new in the 'love' writing.

Best to you

Zoe

Hank wrote:

memories pianissimo through the day,
like a camel, pokes its nose through goatskin

inch by inch, I see pieces of his heart
as if raceme fills the river banks

I drop picric bombs onto his lap
alert to his smiles , like chubby baby fingers curl

around explosions; I am deeply steeped
in the wet of seven colours

we speak of childhood, red poppies and Rumi
of gateways to lungs (rose as love) and the currents beneath

an ocean, for a moment still, in supplication
quiet as a motherless daughter, waiting to be named

Hiya. You have a nice turn of phrase it seems. It's difficult to make the regular seem profound, if love is regular - it's the 'job' of poetry i guess - and you do it well. I particularly like:

inch by inch, I see pieces of his heart
as if raceme fills the river banks

You are successfull in revealing the development of love and there are parts of the poem that don't reveal there meaning instantly - or at all - ie:
...I am deeply steeped
in the wet of seven colours

which keep the reader interested. Anyhow, I thought I'd pop in to say 'I liked it'

Neil.

love by zoe

Zoe — Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:43 pm

Author: Zoe

Posted: Mon Mar 15, 2010 2:43 pm

Thanks, Weav. I'm honoured.

Best

Zoe