It's not a question
of leading a double life
one in the mind
one on earth.

Perhaps there really
are no destinations.
Perhaps I am convinced
there is no end.
But are the stations
real?

I choose
not to ignore them.
I write about them -

something that doesn't exist.
Do I exist?
My body -
what is it -

my hair in the heat's
breezes, my hands
holding my breasts,
my eyes staring?
I invent the self,

the selves -
the evolution, the coincidences
of stories. The sun

is my void today.
The day is pressing
against me.



---

Maria-  Hello. I take it that you are feeling better (or well enough to post). I can't say so for sure, but if you've beat the bug I hope you're in good health. There are a number of creative reasons and without a doubt enough great poetry for me to pop in and out of TCP, but I am always taken by your fresh poetic voice. As you know, I am not the greatest crit.. nor would I claim to be one who is, so excuse me if I, myself, am having trouble with this poem. It's not that I do not understand what is being said throughout, only I am split.. Is this directed or..? If this goes unanswered for any reason, it's perfectly ok. I myself sometimes will keep silent, letting the reader.. or the writer make their own personal right or wrong questions, answers, truth.. although most of the time a right or wrong isn't even needed. With all that aside, this poem is powerful by itself and I really enjoyed the read. Thanks.. and take care.         -Jason

Maria-  Hello. I take it that you are feeling better (or well enough to post). I can't say so for sure, but if you've beat the bug I hope you're in good health. There are a number of creative reasons and without a doubt enough great poetry for me to pop in and out of TCP, but I am always taken by your fresh poetic voice. As you know, I am not the greatest crit.. nor would I claim to be one who is, so excuse me if I, myself, am having trouble with this poem. It's not that I do not understand what is being said throughout, only I am split.. Is this directed or..? If this goes unanswered for any reason, it's perfectly ok. I myself sometimes will keep silent, letting the reader.. or the writer make their own personal right or wrong questions, answers, truth.. although most of the time a right or wrong isn't even needed. With all that aside, this poem is powerful by itself and I really enjoyed the read. Thanks.. and take care.         -Jason

Jason

Yes, I am much better although I wouldn't say that I'm feeling that well. I need more rest, that's all. Anyway, I've been catching up on my sleep.

The poem is supposed to be a zen-like reflection on life experiences (stations) or something like that. I realize it still needs work.

I really appreciate you letting me know your impressions and feelings.
Thanks for that.

My best to you,


Maria

Divina, I read this as a philosophical poem. As a poet, you have ideas that you are expressing to the world. But, I think the strongest part of this poem are the personal stanzas:
" My body -
what is it -

my hair in the heat's
breezes, my eyes staring
in the air, my hands <--
holding my breasts? <-- such a provocative image for a philosopher/poet
I invent the self,

the selves, the breezes - "

So...I think if you shake the poem up, rearrange the stanzas, you'll be okay. Your voice, as always, is very strong.

I think I'd suggest starting with your body, and moving outward. So, maybe "My body" could be the first stanza. Then, ask the important questions, "Do I exist", "Are the stations real", and is this a "double life"?

But I think the writing itself is fantastic.  

Rosa


I am no philosopher. I play being one though and that is what inspires me to write. Like, what if I were a philosopher
and really had something important to say, how would I say it?

Thanks so much for your critique. I really appreciate it.


Maria

Maria –

Nice to meet you. What I like about this poem is that it walks a very fine line without tripping: the line where the poet amuses herself with wonderings about life and is right on the age of sounding self-important and bragging about “hey, look at the poetic life I lead.” The poem succeeds in not only avoiding a fall, it does a little pirouette on that fine line. Sweet.

Here are some specific thoughts for your consideration:

It's not a question
of leading a double life
one in the mind
(in the clouds), I would get rid of this parenthetical for any of the following: 1. assumes the reader might not know what the poet means by “in the clouds” and I am a fan of smart readers who don’t need hand holding. 2. it is too specific, let the reader imagine it be in a hammock watching the clouds; why does it matter?
one on earth.

Perhaps there really
are no destinations.
Perhaps I am convinced
there is no end.
But are the stations
real?
I don’t understand this line break. Why?

I choose
not to ignore them.
I will write about them –
What about getting rid of “will”? What do you think? It makes it a statement and one which is indeed true as we are reading the evidence

something that doesn't exist.
Do I exist?
My body -
what is it –
The weakest part of the poem for this humble reader. It tells me nothing; it doesn’t move me.

my hair in the heat's
breezes, my eyes staring I keep tripping over the plurality of “breeze” – I sorta get what you are saying, but I would seriously consider a restructuring here.
in the air, my hands “in the air” is unnecessary and boring
holding my breasts?
I invent the self,

the selves, the breezes – Now, we have “breeze” again so I am thinking this is some breeze I have to pay attention to, but honestly I have no clue why. Either I am missing something or the piece is; my money is on my missing something.
the evolution, the coincidences
of stories. The sun

is my void today. Fantastic line. I would end here, but – see below
The day is pressing
against me. This is the heart of the poem, where its pulse lies. In my humble opinion, you need to find a home for it inside the poem, and not at the end. The poem hinges on this simple understanding.

Anyways, just my cents. Throw it to the breeze, if it it not helpful. Thanks for the read.

Some interesting replies on a fascinating piece.
The last half gets stronger as I think the question itself has been posed too often and the question is implicit in your answer. Your response is the more interesting part and here the imagery gets better and better.
The plurality of breezes is - for me - made apparent by linking it with selves when you pluralise self. and infers the greater duality or multality(my word). It also picks up the title of air in the dust and vica versa
I sense a strong female voice here _ not Earth Mother-ish exactly or "hear me roar" stuff  but similar
?!
G

Thank you both for your generous responses and thorough critique.
Right now I am not up to responding individually to your comments but I just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate.

deepwaters-
it's so nice to meet you. Welcome to the board.



Maria

Hello deepwaters

What a poetic name that is. I like it. Thanks again for your critique. It really opened up my eyes and allowed me to see the poem under a different light. I like the questions and queries you pose and will try to address each one of them.

I've never considered myself a poet but I do like to amuse myself with poetic wonderings/wanderings. Even when I ask myself - what am I doing? Shouldn't I be doing something else? - I know deep down inside that I've grown fond of hanging out in those poetic places which give me a break from 'real life'.

The point is - what is real life?/what is reality? - I really don't know. I'm always confused about everything so what you say about walking a very fine line most definitely resonates with me. I do trip, though, sometimes, but miraculously am able to get up and continue the wandering and maybe dance a few pirouettes, too. So, the pirouetting you mention kind of perfectly describes my state of mind. Thanks for that.

I agree with removing the clouds line. I do like the sound of it and I do enjoy using 'cliches' or that kind of child-like dreamy language that makes you feel the bitter sweet yet beautiful lingering of life moments, but you're right, it doesn't matter at all. The purpose of the line break at 'real' is to highlight the 'what is real' question which lies at the basis of the poem. I used 'will' because I also would like to point out that the poem, like the stations, does not really exist - I mean, what do I know.  
I realize it's an ambitious idea but most of everything I write is about just that - trying to write a poem. However, simply 'write' may be more direct. I am unable to lose 'my body - what is it' because I think that this reflection has a lot to do with yes, being a woman and her relationship with the world ('we are such stuff as dreams are made of') . So, what I am saying is - I am not only a body, but rather an invisible body made of emotions. The plurality of breeze is connected to the plurality of self. We all have our own personal idiosyncrasies and I must say I do have a complex/difficult relationship with the wind/strength of the wind. Besides messing up my hair, I tend to feel more nervous when it's windy and therefore while I try to avoid it I do like to feel it against my 'body'. I think I will leave out the second 'breezes' though. I know what you mean about the last line but still haven't figured out if and where I want to move that line. For now I'll keep it behind the sun.

Thank you for your wonderful critique.

My best to you.


Maria


--

the Thief

I really appreciate your kind words and enjoyed reading your reply. Thank you for seeing the poem the way you did and also for letting me know your impressions and ideas. I have made some edits.

I hope all is well with you and I wish you the best.

Maria

If zen was what you were going for this didn't come through as zen to me.

It came through as a confused person caught in questioning their existence - more existential perhaps than zen. The only thing zen I see is when you talk about direct experience but...

my hair in the heat's
breezes, my hands
holding my breasts,
my eyes staring?

the question mark certainly doesn't make it zen because you aren't confident in your experience of the truth being just this moment...
the heat's breeze, your hands holding your breasts

what are these stations you talk about?

This seems very aloof, not serious. I just see you sitting there staring into the clouds and skimming the surface with this poem.

Thanks for your honest reply. I always appreciate honest.

I didn's say this was a zen poem but rather a zen-like reflection on life etc. Anyway I am inspired by zen poetry
(whatever it is) ...



To what shall I compare this life of ours?
Even before I can say
it is like a lightning flash or a dewdrop
it is no more.

Sengai




The mind of the past is ungraspable;
the mind of the future is ungraspable;
the mind of the present is ungraspable.


Diamond Sutra


The thief left it behind:
the moon
at my window.

.....

Who says my poems are poems?
These poems are not poems.
When you can understand this,
then we can begin to speak of poetry.

Taigu Ryokan




Best
Maria

Yesssss! Thanks for the zen poetry!
I love Ryokan, he is one of my favorites!
Do you read much Ikkyu?
I also love Bankei and his thoughts on the unborn...
I could talk zen for a bit, but no need.

I look forward to reading some of your other stuff!

Lind:say

I'm glad you enjoyed these. I also have a poem about the 'stations' somewhere but can't find it.
If I do find it I'll send it to you.

By the way, I am actually very confused.

Thanks for reading and commenting.


Maria

whoops, double post

Well, that's perfect, we will make good company - for I am very confused as well...I have learned that it keeps me on my toes! For when I think I have come to any sort of grasp or conclusion, you know how that goes, the rug gets pulled out from underneath me and I am left squirming like a beetle caught on its back, legs frantically slicing the air in spastic jolts...
In my understanding, in Zen practice there is no confusion because everything just is exactly as it is seen and felt...there is no need to question any further. A shoe is a shoe, a sound is a sound, that is the essence of the entire universe.
The Buddha said he wasn't interested with the philosophical questions of the world and how we came to be, but he simply taught suffering and the cessation thereof. This was through the path of the 4 noble truths...
Anyways...
I am a huge Pessoa fan as well - I read another one of your posts about writer's block.
I am actually snuggled in my bed right now with a copy of A Little Larger Than the Entire Universe next to me, among many other items, books, papers, bag, typewriter, water canteen, a mess really...

cheers

I do love Pessoa. Thanks for letting me know you read my writer's block poem.
Anyway, there is still so much I don't understand about the Buddha and I think I've sort of given up trying.
People used to tell me my poetry was 'spiritual'. Now I'm back to being confused.

Thanks for making me reflect a bit.


Take care

Maria