It's Only Apple that Remains

No one knows that you and I stole the garden one night
that we were not its law keepers who would come out

at night in the light of the fire flies to chase out
homeless clouds in the fear of morning dew’s delight

we were not a link on that yellow page in the judge's ledger, but
the lamp and the oil only one hair away from burning down the town

in the depth of your bed, full of hidden anger, we tasted the apple
and let its sweetness swell under our skins, and now in your absence

no one knows that only your daughter remains to offer me
the smell of your sweat wrapped in her laundry bag every week

This is lovely, deepwaters. I love the last stanza:
no one knows that only your daughter remains to offer me
the smell of your sweat wrapped in her laundry bag every week <--the combination of the scent, "sweat", with the touching image of the daughter that remains is wonderful!

Small nits.

I think a few lines are a little wordy. I'd tighten up. Love the imagery, though!

I hate doing the line-by-line thing. I'll just state it. Line 2, I'd remove "that we". And, S2, I'd restructure a little bit:
at night in the light of the fire flies to chase out
homeless clouds in the fear of morning dew’s delight
=
at night in the light of the fire flies <--wonderful use of rhyme, here
to chase out homeless clouds in the fear of morning

I hear a strong rhythm. If this is written in a specific iambic pattern, and you need so many feet per line, ignore me! lol. Please.
Enjoyed reading.

Rosa –

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment. I am glad you like the internal rhymes; it is funny it somehow came together on its own, so you won’t be messing any preplanned pattern by suggesting restructurings.

at night in the light of the fire flies <--wonderful use of rhyme, here
to chase out homeless clouds in the fear of morning
I like the suggested line break, but I hate to lose “dew” in L2. I guess you have given me a homework. Thank you!
.

I thought you were talking about computers. My mistake.  

sweetness swells under our skins

I really liked this alliteration and the imagery it creates. It made me think of the serpent...

I liked the laundry bag too which makes this ancient story more contemporary. It made me think of the holiness held within sweaty laundry and the ritualistic act of washing clothing.

Thanks

It is a poem, deepwaters.  But dew's delight?  If you are attached to it then keep with it.  If not  then reconsider.

Tere

Lind:say-

Thank you for commenting. I am glad you appreciated aspects of it.


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Tere-

Truth be told, regardless of how attached I am to it, when you tell me to reconsider, I will certainly do that. Thank you for revisiting this piece.
-s