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The Critical Poet Forum Index » Post Poems for Mild Critique The time now is Thu Sep 09, 2010 3:41 am
Reply to topic    Public Schooled and Pine Boxed
Public Schooled and Pine Boxed
penlesswhat
New Member

Joined: 25 May 2010
Posts: 23
Post Posted: Tue Jul 20, 2010 10:53 pm Reply with quote
Ticking





Ticking





Ticking time bomb


Young white male,
                           Middle america

Left out
Ready to kill
Ready to explode
All over the 10 o'clock news

This just in
Protect the children

From the ticking

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-insert poetic clip here-
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re: Public Schooled and Pine Boxed
Divina
Venerable Member *

Joined: 16 Jun 2005
Posts: 1107
Location: Europe
Post Posted: Sat Jul 24, 2010 10:27 am Reply with quote
penlesswhat,

I'm in a bit of a rush. Just wanted to let you know that I see a lot of potential
in this poem, in your writing.

I don't think I have any truly helpful suggestions right now ...

Let's see, how about getting rid of the two ticking lines and starting with ...

Ticking time bomb
Young white male,
                          Middle america


I'm not crazy about caps at the beginning of lines, but it's your choice.

And I'm not too sure about 'protect the children' - I do like the underlying ironic tone,
if I'm reading it right, so I'd go for keeping it. Anyway, my opinion.

Best
Maria
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re: Public Schooled and Pine Boxed
Something_Fantastic
New Member

Joined: 30 Jul 2010
Posts: 12
Post Posted: Sun Aug 08, 2010 12:01 am Reply with quote
Dull hands of boring and silly.  Despair I hear you, but my ears are closing fast Cool

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Courage, sacrifice, determination, commitment, toughness,heart, talent, guts. That's what little girls are made of; the heck with sugar and spice.

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(greatest female surfer of our time)
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Public Schooled and Pine Boxed
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