She showed me pills,
i wondered why?

The first time that night
I saw her dusting my tool box
I knew she would be mine.


This would be the start of
many work nights together
as we spent our labors
infatuated with each other.

The mornings I spent with her
everyday, were anything but
intimate, with her sister giving
me dirty looks on her way to
school.

She ate her Wheaties
I brought my bottle
of fine tequila and Old Golds
smoking and drinking inviting
her to my passions.

I never kissed her, it seemed
like kissing was for the outdoor
movies. I was such a fool.

How she put up with my excess
I will never ever know. I was
willing to work with her, then
keep her up all morning.

I was twenty-eight willing to
take a chance with her,
while camping we were celibate
I always waited for her move.

That August moon we shared
in the canyon of thrills,
the chance we had to dance,
to be close passed us by.

Deserae must have known
the power she had over my
heart, sex has a mind of it's
own, it conquers the senses.

She said, be gentile
with your manly hands
Laying with her blue eyes
closed, supine before me,
Skinny was beautiful.

Deserae... would this be
my fifteen minutes of fame?
She could have been mine
except for fear, of my
hurting her.

Other things would stop me,
as her mother walked in the
room.

I had nothing to do with this,
thats what I told her. While
heading to the door,never,
looking back.

I left her there, eighteen and
racy, only a white sheet covered
what God had made. Could we
have been lovers, ten years apart?

I pulled into the yard, where the
boys and my wife waited. I was
late every morning, guilty.

Goeszon.
It is hard, as I already told you before, to critique your poems as they are so packed with emotions.
Technically, this poem could be improved on - you could eliminate some of the commas and
get rid of a few caps at the beginning of lines. Also I don't think you need the repetitions.
Your words never leave the reader indifferent. I would like to know more, though,
about this girl 'who could have been mine' - add something more, other than her age
and a general description.


My best to you,
Maria

Maria I have made changes, I hope you will be able to see things about Suzy...

                                             Goeszon

Goesaon, I read this as an outline for a poem. Everything you need to write this poem about adultery is in here. I think you need some distance, though. I'd rely less on the "I", and concentrate on the imagery.

I do that a lot with very personal poems. The first write, the memory, is like automatic writing. I write quickly, get it out. Then, I read it and try to put it in some kind of poetic form.

Anyway, I think there are some good images in this poem. I think I'd keep these, and expand them. The concentration on less imagery will make the poem stronger, I think:
" She showed me pills,
i wondered why? ...
Would this be the only way
we could be close? <-- I'd erase this second question. Leaving the first question by itself builds mystery.


The mornings I spent with her
everyday, were anything but
intimate, with her sister giving
me dirty looks on her way to
school. <--I'd change the verb tenses throughout, "gave" instead of "giving".

She would have her Wheaties
and I would bring my bottle
of fine tequila and Old Golds
smoking and drinking inviting
her to my passions.  <--"ate", past tense, "I brought"

I never kissed her, it seemed
like kissing was for the outdoor
movies.
...
I was willing to work with her, then
keep her up all morning.

I was twenty-eight ...

That August moon we shared
in the canyon of thrills,
the chance we had to dance,
to be close passed us by.

Deserae must have known
the power she had over my
heart, sex has a mind of it's
own with a man. <---I'd find a different way to state this. Less telling here.

She said, be gentile
with your manly hands
Laying with her blue eyes
closed, supine before me,
Skinny was beautiful.

She could have been mine
except for fear, of my
hurting her. ...


as her mother walked in the
room.

I had nothing to do with this,
thats what I told her. While
heading to the door.

eighteen and
racy, only a white sheet covered


I pulled into the yard, where the
boys and my wife waited. I was
late "

I like the beginning best.

Seems like a long critiqe, I know. But, I think the parts worth saving are very good. I'd keep it past tense throughout, too.

I think if you decide to rewrite this poem, G, it will be very good. I think most of what you need is already in the poem.

Thank you Rosa for your insight, I have made changes that reflect your wishes girl...

                                               Goeszon