that long hanging ash
on your cigarette tonight --
oh flick it please

haha!  Excellent.  I wish some people would just flick it too.

Clever, witty, funny but a very strong underlying truth that crosses all of our minds at some point.

Flicku

haha!

ha ha  

I think the last line should be just flick it

haha

good stuff

and I'll keep it in mind, I always forget to flick!

the best part is the title, it sort of feels expletive, if I can figure
a way to create an expletive in-fixation, I may well drop f*** lol


Z.

Hi Steve,
 once again, you've captured a voice well; a post-Ezra Pound hipster's address to someone who's (speculation on my part)talking to someone in a bar, coffee shop, art opening, and not flicking their cigarette.
  So what. Haiku and senyru aren't about capturing the way people speak today. Slang or in
regular English matter squat. Poesy lives in regular verse, but isn't accepted by haiku editors usually. So there is no fear of making a pretty picture of a burning cigarette. You're safe there with your subject matter.
   But the poet's ego intrudes little, less, or with nothing to add. He/she could care less
about changing someone's habits.  Your wit is impeding your and your audience's
understanding of what ku should be about.
  As I said before, why three lines if the poem has a title and is really a strong short poem speaking to someone in a public place. Why not localize it. Expand it a bit as to where. Afterall, the strongest
thing here is the speaker's voice and impatience. It has nothing to do with comparing or contrasting
two images or juxtaposing phenomena, and it is suggestive of little except a smoker not inhaling
or being full of themselves since they're dominating the conversation or something I'm not aware of
here. clue me in. When I have to work at a  simple verse, a light verse, I go numb. Haiku ain't light verse.

That long hanging ash on your cigarette
oh why don't you just please please please flick it.

Notice how you have a rhyming couplet that you are possibly trying for this not to be. think you have to prolong the moment in line two to create that long ash being held on the cig's end. paul

P.s. Here's a senyru example

long cigarette ash
hanging on his every word--
his date doodles on a napkin

Dubtrub, thanks for the long look. I appreciate the thinking there, and I'm with you on the venture into the rhyming couplet idea. I like how you look into it. I think it's a glance at nature/Nature, but it's got somehow a lack of power. I know that power is always supposed to be incidental in haiku, and not forced in, but it's still always there in the best examples. I suppose the best thing this has is that it could just be an outtake from a smoky scene. But it's got an element of character and characterization, and maybe that egos it up a bit. It's definitely got an I anyway, which is a bit of a sabotage.

Thanks for your thinks.

And thanks to everyone else for commenting. It was greatly appreciated.

Steve.