it was out of breath
pale, searching it's pockets for change
it was like a car popping its tire
while trying to escape something that wasn't even chasing it
the world today was freightened
it's sky was collapsing into cement and brick
that already had started to crack
I turned into a baby wailing today as I saw the world
it was like the earth was my parents arguing over my crib
tonight when I rest I will dream of the world I saw long ago
when the sun was a sparkler that hadn't fizzled out
I will see this earth wrapped back up in the blanket of God's universe
this world is an abandoned child wishing that his pillow was his mother's lap
heaven I guess is him hearing her walking into his room

Hey there my friend

as always you write with such depth, such commitment that
it leaves me a little out of breath (in a good way)

I have a couple of thoughts that may help to tighten this
piece; I'm not at my own lappy right now but will be back
later this evening.

Your pieces unfold slowly with time and that's a wonderful thing

love

Z.

Hello Octogenarian,

Your poem is interesting. I found that it alternates between places of originality and places where it sounds a little affected and forced. Two lines that I liked and thought were fairly fresh were, "when the sun was a sparkler that hadn't fizzled out"; and, "heaven I guess is him hearing her walking into his room." The former line is a highly memorable image; the latter line works because it is rather subtle.

The lines that I disliked and felt were pretentious are, "it was like the earth was my parents arguing over my crib"; and, "I will see this earth wrapped back up in the blanket of God's universe." The former line seems to fall short of attempting to be profound and sagacious; the latter line is egregious because it seems as if it was manufactured to impress your reader (with its grandiose phrasing), which would also make it an insult to our intelligence.

In short, there are places where your poem is good and places where it is not so good. The overall impression I am left with from reading this poem is that it was a quick, insincere effort on your part that was the product of some form of poetic self-indulgence. The other overall impression I am left with is that this is not your best work, and that you are certainly capable of much better poetry.

Ngoc Nguyen~"Apple"  

I am confused,  (it) are you referring to a thing or a person.
By the sounds of it, you are talking about a person.  But I can't be sure.
For example, (it) was like a car popping its tire.  Person or thing?

(it's) sky was collapsing into cement and brick  Person or thing?

Benny's sky was collapsing....
A bird's sky was collapsing.....
Peanut butter and jelly sky was collasping.....


Weird stuff.   I hope you don't mind.   This is really confusing.

OCTOGENARIAN wrote:

it was out of breath pale, searching it's pockets for change it was like a car popping its tire while trying to escape something that wasn't even chasing it the world today was freightened it's sky was collapsing into cement and brick that already had started to crack I turned into a baby wailing today as I saw the world it was like the earth was my parents arguing over my crib tonight when I rest I will dream of the world I saw long ago when the sun was a sparkler that hadn't fizzled out I will see this earth wrapped back up in the blanket of God's universe this world is an abandoned child wishing that his pillow was his mother's lap heaven I guess is him hearing her walking into his room