de ville and elle


she was bored almost witless that night
slowly drunk herself into the dark
bad boy Lucifer showed her the light

in that town all the boys did was fight
like young pitbulls that strain snarl and bark
she was bored almost witless that night

but her life was about to ignite
from a devilish steel on flint spark
bad boy Lucifer showed her the light

a soft touch on her arm all polite
next she knew they were laid in the park
she was bored almost witless that night

later strung out so jangled and tight
after snorting some lines with her mark
bad boy Lucifer showed her the light

take the left path he told her alright
listen up when the crows call and crark
she was bored almost witless that night
bad boy Lucifer showed her the light




just having a larf  

Hey, Amanda, this one doesn't work too well for me.

Weird how the idiomatic can seem so perfect and also so confined. On another day etc...

Thanks for having a go, though.

Steve.

Yeah, I knew it was wrong when I was writing it. It was only the fact it was in form that made me see it through. Thanks for the honesty.

Amanda

Weird how form can do that, isn't it. I let myself do unconscionable crap in form. Not saying this is that, btw. Probably just me not getting it.

Steve.

Amanda -

Okay, the read is good.  A few quirks..I’m unfamiliar with the history of the title if there is one.  So right off back..I was kind of in limbo.   (however, the title  - is catching to the eyes) I like the use proparalepsis (ie, de ville).  The rhyme is good.  The cadence is okay.  There are two solid pictures forming in my head  -  a lady and her struggle with the devil.  This lady is bored out of her mind hence, the repetition of “she was bored almost witless that night”.  Ingenious.  Nine syllables each line.  Eloquent.  Sixth stanza second line…(listen up when the crows call and crark) “Crark”   is foreign and strange to me, perhaps its “crack”,”creak”.  Typo!

Verse is very difficult so I admire this poem.   I have a suggestion for one  line:

“bad boy Lucifer showed her the light” -  it’s boring to me….bad boy,Lucifer is a double whammy.  “Lucifer” is a strong enough word and image to demonstrate “badness”.  “Bad boy” is somewhat teenagerish, in my opinion, you can negate it without losing the value of the sentence but then you lose two syllables.   Let me think…

How about:

De Ville, Lucifer showed her the light…----yeah, you keep the two syllables – nine syllables maintained.
(Way smoother and elegant..my opinion.!)

You can pick and choose other two syllables words.  as well . I just wanted to decorate and enliven your double synecdoche.  I hope this helps.  

Got go!..take care

AmandaT wrote:

de ville and elle she was bored almost witless that night slowly drunk herself into the dark bad boy Lucifer showed her the light in that town all the boys did was fight like young pitbulls that strain snarl and bark she was bored almost witless that night but her life was about to ignite from a devilish steel on flint spark bad boy Lucifer showed her the light a soft touch on her arm all polite next she knew they were laid in the park she was bored almost witless that night later strung out so jangled and tight after snorting some lines with her mark bad boy Lucifer showed her the light take the left path he told her alright listen up when the crows call and crark she was bored almost witless that night bad boy Lucifer showed her the light just having a larf

Hi Laverne

Thanks for commenting. I wrote this ages ago and, to be honest, I can't bear to read it again!

It's nice of you to take the time on it.

Amanda